Now, you may ask: "James, why do you care so much about having a beard?" and here I will answer that question with 8 awesome, random things to do with beards.
1. Some of the most influential people in the history of the world have rocked epic beards. -
Both Karl Marx and Frederich Engels, inventors of communism had insanely cool beards. Also, the inventor of capitalism, economist Adam Smith did NOT have a beard and look how crappy capitalism has been lately. Perhaps if he would have rocked a beard, capitalism would have been more fun. Some other influential bearded people: Shakespeare, Charles Darwin, Leo Tolstoy, Leonardo da Vinci, Santa Claus, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jesus.
2. Beards have a rich history dating back to the dawn of man. - Since humans did not always have tools with which to shave, our earliest ancestors rocked beards, remnants of when their ancestors' entire faces were covered in hair. Up until the time razors were invented, beards were allowed to flow free and unrestricted. And when beards were sported after that, they were often symbols of power. In ancient Egypt, only the most important people were allowed to wear beards, like pharaohs. Even the women pharaohs wore metal imitation beards and these were often also placed on cows because we all know that cows kick ass.
3. Manly men wear beards -
The manliest men that we know of in all time: the Spartans all wore beards. This was because only women and girly-men did not have them. In fact, a common punishment for cowardice in Sparta was to cut off a portion of a man's beard. Oh the shame.
Also, Epic Beard Man has a beard. For those of you unfamiliar with Epic Beard Man, click here.
4. Beards can make you look intimidating-
In fact, one of the primary reasons that I almost always sport a bad-ass goatee is so that I don't get jumped while hanging around Brampton. We all know that people who will jump you in Brampton are in fact mostly pussies who have nothing better to do. Can you imagine a guy with a beard getting jumped? No way. In your imagination, it's always a clean-shaven guy or a guy with little bits of non-beard fluff. The man with the beard never gets jumped. Would you mess with a guy with a beard if you didn't know him?
5. Chuck Norris has a beard -
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
...Nuff said.
6. All of the best ancient philosophers had beards. And they were smart. -
In fact, the ancient Macedonians all shaved, except for philosophers because it was a sign of wisdom. Some bearded philosophers: Agathon, Socrates, Plato, Plutarch, etc. Pretty much everyone except for Aristotle. What an asshole.
7. Beards are EXTREME. -
In religions, the most extreme followers have beards. For example: Hasidic Jews take Judaism to a new level of craziness. They all have beards. Amish people also wear beards. Don't tell me that they're not extreme (they will also never know I said that). Have you ever seen a terrorist Muslim without a beard? That's what I call extremism. Also, I'm gonna say Sikhism is pretty extreme, especially with their beards. Their women have to wear veils to cover up the awesomeness of their beards.
8. Adam Norton has the inability to grow one. (No offense Jon) -
The last reason for why beards are awesome is that Adam Norton cannot grow one. He is a mixture of Swede and Jew that makes him completely incompetent at growing facial hair. As you can tell from the picture below, he can never look intimidating.
His face will also forever be cold during the dark lonely nights.I expect a witty retort for this by the way. Enjoy your penis cookie and your inability to intimidate a grizzly bear the way Nate can.
In conclusion - Beards are evolution's way of favoring Men over Women (at least most of them). How else would we be the protectors of the village without the testosterone levels to make woolly mammoths extinct? Since testosterone makes beards, beards are obviously a key part to our manliness. As the old Greek saying goes,
"There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless—boys and women—and I am neither one." That is all.
very sexy Adam ;)
ReplyDeletehttp://archives.cbc.ca/science_technology/energy_production/clips/13545/
ReplyDeleteMansbridge with a beard
Hey Mr. Prides himself on his wit. Pride is for the gays as they say I guess. I may not be able to grow a beard, but I can correctly write a series of ideas without introducing them incorrectly.
ReplyDelete"and here I will answer that question with 8 awesome, random things to do with beards." Then logically the chain would follow with : design a new beard style, scare some kids in the woods, use it to knit a scarf out of, etc.
Instead the writer of this article, lets call him the whinniest man alive, wrote a list of reasons to have a beard. Which would have been a good list too, if he had an introduction like: "Ever wanted a beard but could not muster the courage to stop running a blade along your neck everyday? Here is the be all end all list of reasons why one would grow this kickass facial accessory!"
Do not worry though, you feminazi/ atheist, who writes terrible blogs and creates of bad arguments that you read from someone else. I may write my own blog just to show you how. Thus proving you do not need a beard to defeat James Murray.
Also, a reason not to have a beard is you will look like John/ Kenneth and people will say touch my beard to you.
Yours Truly,
Adam T. Norton Esq.
I expected more from you Adam. I didn't think you'd just go for the easy thing and attack the way that I write my blog. So disappointing...
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ReplyDelete