This Week in Ethics: James Tries to be a Good Person.

As an ethicist (fine, a student philosopher who specializes in ethics), I've been learning a lot lately about some crazy moral theories and thinking deeply about how bad a person I really am. I think the same goes for a lot of people who want to be good people but when given the choices, will usually come out looking like a total dicks. Those who know me probably know that this is especially true. Anyways, I've been examining my lifestyle and thinking of ways that I can apply modern theories of ethics. I could go the utilitarian path where I examine every situation, figure out which action would maximize happiness, and then do that; or I could go all Kantian on your ass and just follow the categorical imperative where you just don't do stuff that you wouldn't want to make a universal rule; or I could be all contractarian where I'm self-interested to the point where I feel the need to support everyone else.
I was gonna do a thing where I was going to adopt a moral principle for like a week and see if it made me feel better about myself and then report back here. Then I realized something:
All of these things are really hard to do:

Utilitarians have to examine every action. And I thought I was indecisive now. (And don't bring up rule utilitarianism because when you have to make exceptions to rules, it all boils down to act utilitarianism anyways). Otherwise, I think it would be very nice to be a utilitarian. If it weren't for John Stewart Mill's higher-order pleasures, I'd be justified in just rooting around in my own filth, masturbating on things all day. But no, I have to read Shakespeare and help people and shit. Screw that.

Kant's categorical imperative is really simple but it also puts a ban on anything that covers your ass, i.e. lying. That's right, it's never right to lie, even to save your life or that of anyone else. Remember the movie Liar, Liar with Jim Carrey? If I followed Kant's categorical imperative, my life would become a really shitty movie. Also, even if I was going to be a good person for a week, the fact that I couldn't lie (Kant claims that withholding the truth counts) would mean that all my past indiscretions would catch up to me. I mean, technically I'd be supremely moral, but I'd also be living a very sad and lonely life (maybe? If you're wondering what I could be, I haven't really done anything wrong, but my past is full of shame).
Cover of Liar Liar [HD DVD]





Immanuel Kant clearly wanted your life to be the plot of this god-awful movie. ---->
Deontology is therefore clearly the wrong ethical theory. Not only would your life be a never-ending series of predictable gags that an observer could only watch stoned, but they'd also have to own an HD DVD player. Oh the shame...




Contractarianism has one serious flaw: other people have to be entered into the contract. Hard to test that out. I'd be like, "I want to maximize my self-interest while acting morally. Wanna join me?" and the guy on the train would be like "fuck off buddy, you're creeping me out". It just wouldn't work.

Anyways, what I was originally trying to get at was that I am a fairly terrible person when it comes to following my moral duties. I haven't got a God to fear, and yet I still feel guilty. How strange... I think that I feel like I need to be a good person in order for my life to have meaning. Maybe I've been reading way too much Plato, but I feel like justice is an incredibly important component in the meaning of our short, mundane lives. A huge part of justice and being a just person is doing right by everyone. That's simply something that I desperately need to work on.

I want to be ethical but at the same time, I also love pirating music and software. I am also fairly sure that I'm not very effective at maximizing utility. And I really can't justify not giving most of my stuff away to needy people if I truly want to be a good person. What's more is that I lie all the time to people. Usually ones that I don't know. For example, when that guy at the bus terminal tells me about his church and invites me to his holy Jesus picnic, I nod my head and pretend to be interested. That is technically lying. It's just impossible to avoid the white lie if you want to seem to be a nice person. Every time that you lie, you undermine the institution of truth-telling, you inconsiderate asshole. Think about it.

Anyways, it's late and I didn't really think this post through. I'll update you on how the whole being a better person thing is going.