The Beard: Your Chin's Best Friend

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For some reason, over the last three or four years, I have become slightly obsessed with beards. They are pretty awesome. Ever since I grew my very first facial hairs, I have wanted to grow a kick-ass beard. I have come close at times, rocking the chinny, the mustache, or both in combination. For a while I even sported a chin-strap. By the time I am 25 I want to have at least once grown an epic beard like this one:


Now, you may ask: "James, why do you care so much about having a beard?" and here I will answer that question with 8 awesome, random things to do with beards.

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1. Some of the most influential people in the history of the world have rocked epic beards. -
Both Karl Marx and Frederich Engels, inventors of communism had insanely cool beards. Also, the inventor of capitalism, economist Adam Smith did NOT have a beard and look how crappy capitalism has been lately. Perhaps if he would have rocked a beard, capitalism would have been more fun. Some other influential bearded people: Shakespeare, Charles Darwin, Leo Tolstoy, Leonardo da Vinci, Santa Claus, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jesus.

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Inventors of communism, Karl Marx and Frederich Engels both rocked some epic beards. Even better than that of Jesus.



2. Beards have a rich history dating back to the dawn of man. - Since humans did not always have tools with which to shave, our earliest ancestors rocked beards, remnants of when their ancestors' entire faces were covered in hair. Up until the time razors were invented, beards were allowed to flow free and unrestricted. And when beards were sported after that, they were often symbols of power. In ancient Egypt, only the most important people were allowed to wear beards, like pharaohs. Even the women pharaohs wore metal imitation beards and these were often also placed on cows because we all know that cows kick ass.

3. Manly men wear beards -
The manliest men that we know of in all time: the Spartans all wore beards. This was because only women and girly-men did not have them. In fact, a common punishment for cowardice in Sparta was to cut off a portion of a man's beard. Oh the shame.
Also, Epic Beard Man has a beard. For those of you unfamiliar with Epic Beard Man, click here.

4. Beards can make you look intimidating-
In fact, one of the primary reasons that I almost always sport a bad-ass goatee is so that I don't get jumped while hanging around Brampton. We all know that people who will jump you in Brampton are in fact mostly pussies who have nothing better to do. Can you imagine a guy with a beard getting jumped? No way. In your imagination, it's always a clean-shaven guy or a guy with little bits of non-beard fluff. The man with the beard never gets jumped. Would you mess with a guy with a beard if you didn't know him?

5. Chuck Norris has a beard -

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.


...Nuff said.

6. All of the best ancient philosophers had beards. And they were smart. -
In fact, the ancient Macedonians all shaved, except for philosophers because it was a sign of wisdom. Some bearded philosophers: Agathon, Socrates, Plato, Plutarch, etc. Pretty much everyone except for Aristotle. What an asshole.

7. Beards are EXTREME. -
In religions, the most extreme followers have beards. For example: Hasidic Jews take Judaism to a new level of craziness. They all have beards. Amish people also wear beards. Don't tell me that they're not extreme (they will also never know I said that). Have you ever seen a terrorist Muslim without a beard? That's what I call extremism. Also, I'm gonna say Sikhism is pretty extreme, especially with their beards. Their women have to wear veils to cover up the awesomeness of their beards.

8. Adam Norton has the inability to grow one. (No offense Jon) -
The last reason for why beards are awesome is that Adam Norton cannot grow one. He is a mixture of Swede and Jew that makes him completely incompetent at growing facial hair. As you can tell from the picture below, he can never look intimidating.
His face will also forever be cold during the dark lonely nights.
I expect a witty retort for this by the way. Enjoy your penis cookie and your inability to intimidate a grizzly bear the way Nate can.


In conclusion - Beards are evolution's way of favoring Men over Women (at least most of them). How else would we be the protectors of the village without the testosterone levels to make woolly mammoths extinct? Since testosterone makes beards, beards are obviously a key part to our manliness. As the old Greek saying goes,
"There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless—boys and women—and I am neither one." That is all.

Prop 8: Another Time Where What You Think Shouldn't Matter.

We all love democracy (unless you don't) but sometimes democracy can be wrong. This is kind of like in one of my earlier posts where I complained about opinion polls on major news networks. Just because you believe something to be true, doesn't mean that it is. This is especially true when people who have no authority on a matter get to decide what is right for other people.

For those of you who might be unfamiliar with California Proposition 8 (or the California Marriage Protection Act [a loaded title if I ever heard one]), was a ballot proposition and a constitutional amendment in November of 2008 to add a new provision to Section 7.5 of the declaration of rights that provides that "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California". This Proposition Passed. It was put to a vote and a sufficient number of people voted "Yes". Yesterday though, a California Judge overturned Prop 8, calling it "unconstitutional". Let me say, thank science that there are still rational people out there. Maybe I'm biased because I'm pro gay-marriage but if you don't like it you can eff-off to another blog.

So what I really want to get at here is the flaw of democracy. The problem is that everyone can vote. "Well hold on there..." you will possibly say, "...democracy wouldn't be democracy if not everyone could vote". That is true reader, and we all know that "democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others that have been tried" as Winston Churchill once said. This proposition 8 thing probably shouldn't have been voted on at all then because gay people getting married doesn't affect you unless you are gay. As much as the naysayers will go on about the bull-shit "sanctity of marriage" with a 50% divorce rate and OH JESUS THINK OF THE CHILDREN! because they need a Mother and a Father figure even though they're growing up in a loving family this does not affect you.

Logically, there should not be a referendum on issues that do not affect the general public. Especially when in the constitution it already states that all equals have the right to marry. That's right, they made an amendment to deprive people of their rights and that was OK! The turn-out for this vote was so high because so many damned people were adamant about getting in other people's business. This is my problem with the Christian right. I am not deluded, and it would be better if you weren't deluded but that's alright because your delusion does not really affect me. My problem is that when your religious delusions transfer into law, you affect people who do not share your own view on morality.

With Prop 8, Gay people (who only make up about 10% of the population) had to also get 41% of the population who are straight people to vote with them. For this election, voter turnout was especially high with a turnout of almost 80% of the population. Of course, most of those people were people who couldn't mind their own business like Christians, Republicans, and Old People. Still, the vote was surprisingly close with 52% yes and 48% no.

When this proposition was struck down yesterday by a California Judge, he effectively said, "I am smarter than you, I have qualifications, I know the constitution, you do not. We will go forward with civil rights." And so, right prevailed even though the wrong voted on it. This went against the normal rules of democracy. God bless America.

Ground-Zero Mosque: Exercise in Hate or Just an Overreaction?

I'm going to address something now in a way that will probably be unexpected for a known Atheist and Anti-theist. I figure in order to stir up some controversy, I'll post about the proposed ground-zero mosque. I'm not an expert on the subject and I frankly don't care for the building of any places of mass delusion, but I do know that those opposed to the building of this mosque probably have the wrong reasons for opposing it.

For those of you who don't know, there are approved plans for the construction of a giant mosque/community center about 2 blocks away from ground-zero in New York City. To put that in perspective, the building being knocked down to make way for the Islamic community center was hit with airplane debris.

But I digress, because this is not the stance that I will take here. I have things to say to both sides of the controversy.

A lot of people are upset that there will be a safe-haven for Muslims in the area who we all know were the people who carried out the 9/11 attacks. I mean, isn't it so distasteful to laugh in the face of the heroes who lost their lives saving those people and of the innocent people who died? As one woman put it so very well on a sign she upheld at a protest: "Don't glorify murders of 3,000. No 9/11 victory mosque".

I don't want to come off insensitive but I really think people forgot what diversity there was in the lives lost in the attacks. There were Muslims who undoubtedly lost their lives in the attacks as well. This community center will be operated by a group called the Cordoba Initiative which plans to give a voice to moderate Muslims. What do people think will happen if there was a community center where moderate Muslims have a chance to talk things out? Do they really think these people will be mobilized by the "victory" at ground zero? I think that people have lost track of who the attackers were- extremist Muslims who were at war with western values, not moderate Muslims who want their own place on the tip of Manhattan. I think this is another instance where people's sentiments get the best of them. They hear "mosque on ground-zero" and the only connections their brains can make are "Mosque = Muslim, Muslim + Ground Zero = Bad therefore, Mosque + Ground Zero = Bad. As my own father said to me when he heard about the news: (paraphrasing) "They're taking over. This is a stepping stone in their plan. If there's a mosque at ground zero then they're going to start recruiting from there." I disagree though, especially since this Cordoba Initiative has been entirely transparent so far. Moderate Muslims are the kinds of Muslims that you want around if you have to have Muslims around. They're fairly peaceful people with strange customs like insane cleanliness and prayer. They don't condone violence; if they did, it would make them extremists. I think that the one-track mindset that Americans have of a war against Islam needs to be re-directed into a war on fundamentalism, no matter the religion being associated with it.

That being said, I'm talking to you, moderate Muslims who undoubtedly will never gaze upon this page: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? Stop disturbing shit. You knew that people were going to be pissed. Yes, I know there are a lot of you, and like every religion, you like to push yourself into places where you're not wanted but holy jumping Jesus, why there? Why at ground zero? Do you want people to be angry with you? Do you know how tacky that is? Yes you have the right to build anything you want on the land that you bought, but that doesn't mean that you should. As much as people might be overreacting and as much as they're allowing their silly imaginations to run wild about terrorist training schools in the middle of Manhattan, it doesn't make it right. If you really want people to convert to Islam and embrace it, you should probably not be dicks, or else you'll just be attracting the crowd that actually blows stuff up; and the last thing you need is more bad P.R. Not that I care, because as I will undoubtedly tackle in future posts, I'm terrified of Islam so the less of you the better.

So that's what I've got.

More than anything I'm determined not to take the side of Newt Gingrich who wrote on his website, "The time for double standards that allow Islamists to behave aggressively toward us while they demand our weakness and submission is over," adding that the decision over whether to build the facility was "a test of the timidity, passivity and historic ignorance of American elites." And as always I won't take the side of Sarah Palin who wrote in a facebook message to her followers: "Many Americans, myself included, feel it would be an intolerable and tragic mistake to allow such a project ... to go forward on such hallowed ground".

All of this wishy-washy sentimental, right-wing bullshit always runs well with ignorant Americans who are always upset when people with a separate point-of-view get their way.

So readers, I beg you, let me know what you think of all this. This is one of those times where I might just be barking up the wrong tree.

Funniest Commercial Ever.

I don't know why, but every time I see this Keystone Light commercial, I can't stop laughing. Base humor? Yes. Do I care? No.

Chris Murray Quote of the Week: August 2/10

Concerning my stereo:
We'll fight to the death for it. If you die, you can have it.